“You are my Sunshine” My Infertility Scare

“You are my Sunshine, my only Sunshine… You make me happy when skies are grey…”

This seems to be our song lately. I’ve been playing it for the girls when we wake up in the morning. I used to play it all the time after my first was born, when she was just a few months old. It’s crazy to try to remember what it was like just last year. She was about 6 months old and I was still trying to adjust to my new life as a mom. Not once did I think that in just another year, I would be a mom to two.

When I found out I was pregnant again I was shocked and scared, but so excited at the same time. Weird emotions and thoughts went through my head. I haven’t shared this before here, what we went through before having her but she truly was a miracle baby.

Before her, we had three miscarriages.

Those were really hard times. There was even a point where Rick and I thought that we would never have kids. I saw doctors, had all the testing done, even talked about fertility treatments. They told us there was still hope but time was running out. We couldn’t wait, I wanted at least one baby. I prayed and prayed for just one.

“Please God, just give me one”.

You don’t realize just how much you want something until it’s almost unreachable.

Then it happened..it was the longest nine months of my life. After having gone through what we went through before, the joy and excitement, only to be let down and disappointed time and time again, you almost grow numb. You take each day with a grain of salt because it could be gone the next.

When I said it was the longest nine months of my life. Literally, it was…

It wasn’t until I had her in my arms that I could let out the tiniest sigh of relief.

The happiest moment of my life. She was our rainbow baby.

Then, just a few months later…we learned we were expecting again.

Rollercoaster of emotions to say the least…

All the same fears and thoughts came back but again, we were excited. We thought we wouldn’t even have one, and now the thought of two? As the months went on…reality was beginning to set in and we felt completely blessed…our prayers had been answered….x2.

It might sound crazy, but one of my biggest fears at that time was worrying about how in the world I was going to be able to love someone else as much as I loved my first born. I was afraid that I wasn’t going to be capable enough. Was I enough? To be good enough for both? And not to mention the thoughts of both of them needing me at the exact same time. What would I do if they were both crying?? Or if they wanted to be picked up at the same time? I only had two hands….how was I going to do it?

But then she was here…my little baby blessing.

It was like every single fear that I had went away. Suddenly, I had all the answers to every question I ever had while I was pregnant. In that second, I had somehow become all knowing, completely able and capable of everything.

I was in love, again, and not less than the first time, just as much. I knew then that there would be no comparison in how I was going to love my girls. They were my life from the moment they were born and they had my whole entire heart, equally.

And now I look at them and see the bond between them and realize that having them so close in age was a blessing. It wasn’t planned, but there couldn’t be any other way our story could have gone. This is our life, this is how it was meant to be.

I love my girls, my little family and I love the circus my life is right now. I’m taking it in, day by day. There are some days when I feel like I’m going to go crazy because things are so overwhelming…but those moments are fleeting compared to the moments of laughter and love and the sense of pride they give me when I look at them.

They truly have no idea just how much they were wanted. 🙂 Someday I will tell them…

The Bond Between Sisters